I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize