Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
