i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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