Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
