I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
