I wish I could teleport
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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