There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
