I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
