just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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