If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
