the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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