I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
