He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize