It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
