I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
