Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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