My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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