Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
