I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
