She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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