OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We left an ass print on the piano.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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