she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
