Who did Billy Mays play for?
im six kinds of drunk right now
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
