I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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