the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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