Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
