i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
