life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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