If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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