I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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