I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We left an ass print on the piano.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
