please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
