yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
