You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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