you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize