I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
