VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
