Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She even gives head with a lisp.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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