quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
