I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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