Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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