I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
