Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
