Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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