so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
