I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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