I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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