Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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