Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
