I can't breathe out the right side of my face
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize