Apparently you make a good broom.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
