Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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