Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize