That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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