Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
