I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
