Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
