you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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