I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
