I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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