I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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