Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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